The other day I ran into an acquaintance of mine. She is expecting a baby in September, and every time I see her I can't help but think about what might have been.
In early February I posted here about how I had an unexpected pregnancy, and then a miscarriage shortly thereafter. My due date would have been late September. Honestly, I don't think about it too much, at least compared to my first miscarriage 3 years ago which was WAY more traumatic and devastating to me. But when I see this girl (and girl she is ... expecting her third child at 24!) I think about what it would be like if we were having another baby in a few weeks. Would it have been a boy or girl? What would his/her name be? What would he/she have looked like? How would it have changed our lives? How would I have handled having 2 kids so close in age (and another extremely verbal one to boot)? Was that my last pregnancy, or will I have another some day?
Between you, me and the fencepost, I do hope - deep in my heart of hearts - to have another baby some day. But having had miscarriages, I don't take pregnancy for granted. So many people talk about having another baby like it's as easy as going out to buy a pair of shoes. And perhaps for many people, it truly IS that easy. But for me, I never say that I AM having another child, because I just don't know that for a fact. It makes me a little sad that I can't have that kind of confidence in my body's ability to conceive and carry my child to term. But it also reminds me that my body is not "my own" and while I can't "control" it, I know that God is in control, and that if it is His will, we will have another child some day. So I truly take comfort in that truth.
2 comments:
Thanks Amy, I appreciate your honesty. That's where Ralph and I are. He would really love a boy, but we are still waiting on God's timing. Also, the way Chantel acted last week and some this week, seems like she'll never give us rest enough to get a sibling! :-0
Thanks for the honest and poignant post--I can see how you'd be wondering who that little person would have been. And it makes sense that when you've had a pregnancy loss, you'd take nothing for granted--what a blessing to have faith that Someone is holding you and your past/future babies.
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