Friday, February 8, 2008

Ups and downs

Last week was a huge week of ups and downs for the Smith family.

I last posted about Carter's 1st birthday. That, of course, was a big "up". We all made it through the first year relatively unscathed, hooray! He is a healthy and happy little boy. The "down" was that I spent his birthday in the doctor's office giving him a nebulizer treatment for a very wheezy cough/labored breathing. Thankfully, he rebounded quickly and was ready to party by the weekend.

But, there was another big up and down for us as well. Last Monday, I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. Honestly, I had mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, how can you not be happy about the potential of a new life?? It's such a miracle, and so exciting. On the other hand, I SO did not feel ready for another little one. I felt like - I'm finally getting to sleep through the night, I'm finally done with breastfeeding, my "skinny" jeans finally fit (shallow, I know), and now it's all coming back AGAIN?? But deep down, I know that God doesn't give us anything we can't handle, and that even though it would be cramped quarters around here, we would be fine.

Then on Friday morning, I began miscarrying. Now it was my turn to go to the doctor. I was so early in the pregnancy that there was no heartbeat to monitor so I was sent for blood work that day and on Monday to follow up. On Tuesday we learned for sure what I knew deep down was true - the baby was gone. My hormone levels were low to start and then dropped even more by Monday.

It was sad news, of course. The shock for Chad and me had just begun to wear off, and excitement was starting to build, and then this happened.

However, having had a previous miscarriage, this time I feel so much more peace. I learned the first time around that God has His plans, and we need to trust that He knows what He is doing. If He knows that it is best that we have another child, He will give us one. If it isn't best, then He won't. However, don't think that I got to this place of peace easily. My last miscarriage "experience" was filled with many dark days and hard lessons for me. I argued with God, got angry about how unfair my situation seemed, and had to learn to totally relinquish the "control" that I thought I had over my life and circumstances. It was a battle for me to make peace with my lot in life. But letting go was SO FREEING!

Sometimes I start to get sad because I start thinking about what might have been - how next Christmas there would have been another child in the family picture, how this baby and Carter would have been so close in age, how it would feel to hold another soft and snuggly little one. . . and then I remember - trust in God's perfect plan. It wasn't His plan that this baby would be born here on earth.

So rest in Jesus' arms little one ... you are loved.

3 comments:

ErinOrtlund said...

Wow, Amy, I'm sorry to hear about the miscarriage. I can see how this has been a roller coaster week! I'm so glad you're finding comfort in God during these ups and downs.

Chris Ann Schultz said...

Amy,

Thanks for sharing the true emotions you are feeling. I'm still dealing with the emotions of this year. The feeling of rejection of my family at a very difficult time in my life, when my mom almost died, it was very upsetting and my cousins never responded to me or my mom about it still. That was 1/21/08. It was the day God "sang over me" Zephaniah 3:17, a verse that was always meaningful to me after the loss of our 2nd child, Blessing, by miscarriage. Thanks for sharing your ups and downs. My ups this year have been in the Spiritual closeness and experiences I feel with God during the toughest times of my life. God continues to bring strength, just when I think I can't handle anymore. So, I hope he can help me get my parents address file done, aah. I was so frustrated by that call today. We aren't even back teaching Sunday School yet, taking a break from the added stress.
We will keep you all in our thoughts and prayers. We hope that you will continue to receive God's comfort and strength at this difficult time for all of you. (3 yrs. in April, it's not much easier, I have another baby dedication to avoid in 2 weeks. Our church has about 15 kids and dedications per year. AAH! That's tough for me, being an only, that wants more.) Like you said, God knows the details, but I'm still frustrated and waiting. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers and hope you will accept ours as well. Chris Ann Schultz

Mama Amy said...

Erin & Chris, Thanks for your comments. Chris, I'm glad that you are finding strength in God. I have found that during the darkest days in my life, God has always been faithful, and it is during these dark times that I have experienced the most growth and learned to truly trust the Lord. Not that it is easy, but boy, when I've stopped trying to "control" my circumstances I find so much more peace and joy. Also it helps me to focus on what I HAVE and not what I feel I'm lacking. Know that I am still praying for you, esp. about the baby issue.