I am two weeks away from baby's birthday, and I sure am feeling it. I am tired. I am lacking energy. If I get down to clean a spill off the floor, it is hard to get back up. There are oh-so-many things that I simply cannot do these days. Or REALLY don't feel like doing.
Here is why, I am huge now!
Really, Audrey is the source of most of my guilt. It is not purposeful, it's just that she can articulate all her disappointments to me, and she likes to talk. So she reminds me that we bought a slip-n-slide a month ago, and have yet to get it out and use it (... because I don't want to blow it up OR get down on my hands and knees and stake it in the yard). Or she says - why don't you ever pick me up anymore ( ... umm, because you weigh 41 lbs ... although Carter weighs about 35 lbs. and I still pick him up, but don't tell her or I will feel more guilty ...) And she wants to stay after her swimming lesson and swim "for fun" ... but I really could do without a) putting on a bathing suit or b) trying to corral 2 kids who can't fully swim in the huge pool at the Y or c) trying to wrestle 2 kids and myself out of those swim suits and into dry clothing in a crowded locker room, where I am sure to flash my half-naked 9 month pregnant body at half the world and my son is more than likely to run away from me in the process. REALLY don't want to be running down the hall partially clothed ...
I was telling Chad about this all last night - how tired I felt, how the kids just wanted me to play with them when all I wanted to do was take a nap, how it took all my effort to take them out to play in the late afternoon ... and he said "well, they just have to understand that you can't do everything right now" ... to which I replied "I know, but I'm like a broken record, I say that all day long! Plus, they don't really care about that, they just want me to act like a normal mommy!"
Here is the fortunate part of all this. And for me it feels like a major victory, because it is a change for me - I have mostly been sane and not a major grouch through this time. Usually when I get really tired, I get really grumpy and then I feel bad because I end up making the kids feel bad for asking for more milk or something. Which of course adds to the guilt. But I have truly been praying hard that God would just help me to enjoy the days and the moments, and not get caught up in the little irritations. And I can feel Him speaking to me throughout the day, reminding me to choose to be joyful even when I don't feel great. Thank you God!
This attitude makes it so much easier to be pleasant when Carter pads into the room at 7 am and shoves a yogurt in my face, saying "Hi Mommy, I have wogutt?" (Yes, he gets up, heads to the kitchen, opens the fridge, gets out a yogurt, and brings it into our room every morning now ... ugh.) It's a good thing he is so darn cute about it ...
My 2 cuties!
4 comments:
hang in there. its almost over and it will be TOTALLY worth it.
they won't remember that you couldn't play with them as much as they wanted or that they watched a lot of videos or whatever. but they will always remember meeting their new sibling for the first time!
You look like you have dropped in that photo! Not much longer, I have been there before with my Fiona, and two little ones to take care of. They won't remember these days after their sister comes home to meet them! To busy playing with their "new toy".
I'm sure you'll still have some "mommy guilt" even after the baby comes, because you'll be busy with the baby, and tired from lack of sleep. So maybe it's good to prepare them now. Only, hopefully the excitement of the new baby, and visually seeing that you are busy tending to the baby will help them understand. Feel free to send them over if you need a nap! Hang in there!!
mommy guilt keeps us humble. We can't be perfect. We put so much pressure on ourselves to be super moms, don't we? Press on, sister. His mercies are new every morning. He will give you the grace to get through each day. Don't worry about tomorrow.
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